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Did you know that I am an expert on insects?

Yes I am.

Furthermore, did you know that there is an insect that lives for only a week? Don’t ask me which one it is, I haven’t got that far along yet. But when it dies, it’s whole life flashes before its eyes.

(Now insect talking:) Oh, yes, I remember everything now.

Monday night was when I was born.

Tuesday, I was a little sucker.

Wednesday, I went shopping all day.

Thursday, was when I ate.

Friday, I went dating. Went on 43 dates, and had sex with all of them the first night. And one of them was a blind date. Boy, was that one blind, couldn’t see a thing.

Saturday was when I got married.

Sunday, I had kids, four hundred and sixty of them.

Then right away one of my kids came to me and asked; "Mommy, am I going to die soon?"

And I answered; "No Dear, you have your whole life ahead of you, all 6 days!"

We had a good life. Some of our kids went to college. And some went to the park, and some went to the parking lot. We were in the movies, flying around the lights. We went on picnics and flew around peoples’ faces and landed on their food. We got books from the library, and ate them. We went on lots of vacations to strange places, and then came the divorce, 59 minutes later.

One day, one of my kids talked back to me, do you want to know what he said? He said; don’t be on a cow. Can you believe it? Kids that day, they weren’t that way last week! So I said to him; “Don’t tell me that, I wasn’t born yesterday, it was the previous day.




 Oh, and my son Timmy, he had a car accident. Oh no, it wasn’t his fault exactly, he got hit by a grill. Poor Timmy, if I told him once, I told him a hundred times, don’t do loop de loops over the black land.

And I kept confusing the names of Timmy, Linny, Jimmy, and Tapoca. I just couldn’t keep it straight as to which one was Tapoca. And then there’s my sister. She took so long putting on her makeup, that she got old and senile and forgot what she was putting it on for.

And then monday, I couldn’t remember the names of any of my kids. So I went and looked through the “Memories” family photo album and I kept pointing and saying; “Who’s this? And who’s this? And who’s this?”

The hot babe is talking and walking along with her girlfriend, while looking over at some guys.

Then her girlfriend suddenly flicks cold water on hot babe’s face.


Then Hot Babe gripes; “What did you do that for?”

“You said you were getting too hot.” 


“No I didn’t, I didn’t say -- too hot.”

“Well . . .  you were too hot for me.”

A man walks into a clothing marketplace with a pant he had bought there the previous day, and he goes to one of the women clerks, and asks; “I’d like to refund this pant”, showing it to her.

It’s a woman’s pant.

“And here’s my receipt”, he says.

As she takes it and starts looking it over, she asks; “Is there anything wrong with it?” And he replies; “No, it’s the wrong size.”

And then he sees again the holes in the pant, and says to her pointing to the holes “It was like that when I bought it.”

Then another woman clerk comes over to have a look, and he points to the pant and says to her; “The pant had holes in it when I bought it. I bought it yesterday.”

Then a woman shopper comes walking nearby, and he turns to her pointing to the pant and says; “It was like that when I bought it.”

Harry walks into the cave man’s cave,

and says; “Nice cave you’ve got here, is it

a man cave?”


The Cave man; “I don’t know, is there

a man here?"


 “Uh, I don’t know”.

Hank lived in a village.

This village wanted to have a meal of vegetables for all the people, but didn't have enough vegetables for all.

Hank had problems.

Hank did not know how to deal with his problems.

He had a problem with his tonsils, had them taken out.

He had a problem with his appendix, had that taken out.

He had a problem with his kidney, had that taken out.

He had a problem with his teeth, had all those taken out.

He had a problem with his brain, had that taken out.

Now Hank was not a vegetarian, but now he's a vegetable.

So now he could be added to the pot - and there were vegetables for all, everyone ate, everyone happy.

              MISTER NEGATIVE :

You're not getting any younger.

Every day that goes by, you get closer to the day that you're going to die.

If you're having a great time, this could be the last good time of your life.

You haven't died yet, but it could be today.

            MISTER POSITIVE:

As long as you breathe, there's hope.

Who cares about what you're doctor says.

That pain you've been having, doesn't necessarily mean that you're dying.


You might have one foot in the grave, but you haven't died yet.

If I had a mexican girlfriend, seems like it would be easier. 

Because, how does one know what a person wants?

I've never known. Like what does a woman like to eat? Don't know, a mystery to me.

But I've had cats, and so I know how to feed them, I buy them cat food and I know what they need, and so they are happy.

So if I had a mexican girlfriend, I would know --- to give her mexican food.

There's this one lone donut sitting on the platform.

Then a bunch of new donuts drop down to join him, and one of them says; "Hey, how did you beat us here, we were made only a bit ago?"

And the lone donut says; "I've been here a while, with the others, but they're gone now."

"You mean you didn't get picked? Why didn't you?"

"I don't know, nobody wanted me I guess. Maybe a fly landed on me or something."

"Wow, most donuts get eaten in a short time. You're lucky man."

Then all the new donuts are gone, and the lone donut is alone again.

Then a new group of donuts come down, and one of them says; "Hey, what are you doing here? This place is for only donuts."

"I'm a donut, the same as you. But I didn't get picked."

"Then you must be lucky, because most donuts don't last long."

Then all those new donuts disappear. Later a new group comes down, and one says; "Are you a donut? You're getting sort of crusty on top, and mushy on the bottom."

"Yeh, I'm a donut like you, but I didn't get picked."

"Wow, I didn't know a donut could be so lucky as you!"

Then all of those new donuts are gone. Later another group appears, and one says; "This place is for donuts only, you're in the wrong place!"

And the lone donut says; "I'm a donut, was like you, but I didn't get picked."

"You're a donut?!!! Wow, you must be the luckiest donut ever!"

"Yeh, I guess so."

 Wrong way greeting cards #1

Oh darling, you keep returning to me, like the mold in my shower.

You keep on hanging on with me like a bad cough.

Oh my darling, we're inseparable like the wart on my toe.